Kids Don’t Follow
After reading this post, I fired up the Wayback Machine to try and recall any weird things my parents wanted me to be afraid of, and from there I just started to remember weird things in general my parents told me.
Of course you understand that by ‘parents’ I mean my dad. Those of you who have met him may be shocked and dismayed to learn that such a nice, polite man told his children enormous whoppers, but I assure you that every word that follows is true. So, in order from least to most egregious, here are three weird things my dad told me. And my sister – she will corroborate every one of the following quotes.
1. “Fish is brain food.”
OK, right up front I’ll concede that this could possibly be true. There could be an actual, scientifically-proven brain benefit from consuming sea food. However, I do not think my dad was concerned with the development of young minds when he tossed off this gem. I think he was more concerned that my sister and I stop complaining and eat the damn fish. Fair play to dad – we were probably being quite annoying. On the other hand, if you feed your children boiled hot dogs on a regular basis you can’t really expect them to have an adventurous palate, can you?
2. “Eat your food hot. Like the cowboys.”
I’m going to go ahead and guess that this was primarily aimed me. My sister could not have been bothered to care whether the cowboys ate their food hot, cold or upside down. Dad would’ve had to invoke Annie or some other such minor deity to influence my sister.
The $10,000 question is, why was dad so concerned that I eat my food hot? The answer is unknown, lost in the mists of my rapidly receding childhood.
3. “If you sleep on two pillows, your neck will be bent like that forever.”
It really helps to have a visual for this one, so those of you who have met my dad will have an advantage here. You must picture him standing before with his head tilted far to one side, almost laying on his shoulder. Also, he is grimacing in a striking fashion, as if to warn you that the same forces that will permanently twist your neck will also leave your facial muscles horribly contorted. And he is asking would you like to be stuck like this forever? Would you?
Why such a strongly worded, and acted, position on sleeping with two pillows? That, my friends, is the $25,000 question, for which I also have no answer. But feel free to share any weird things your parents told you.
It is all startling true, brother! Dad had some great quotes! Here are my thoughts on the above
1. Fish is brain food because of the fish oils which supply essential fatty acids which do indeed make us smarter. However, I am almost 99% sure that Dad knew none of these things when he called fish brain food and that he did indeed just want us to eat the damn fish and shut up!
2. I believe the correct phrasing is “eat it like the cowboys do, nice and hot!” Could be wrong but it does have a certain ring to it. Now that I am a parent, as you soon shall be, I have a little insight into why dad would want us to eat our food while hot….because gosh darn it… it takes kids a long f**in time to eat and us antsy adults just want to get on with it! Besides how long can one really linger over really hot fish sticks and claim you just want to savor the experience!
3. No excuses here…..the two pillow thing….just plain whacked. Pretty sure maybe it was a scare tactic that came into play when the clown mask and toy lost their power to terrorize!
Now, in addition to your lovely dad quotes I don’t want you to leave out the countless times he would say “Jesus, Meggy/Danny” or “someone is going to get hurt and meggy its going to be you!” Or how about his best quote “God is watching you when you are bad and he is sending his clown minions to punish you.” No? Don’t remember? Okay, last one is a lie but Holy Sh*t if it wasn’t!